


Chosen: The Future of Buffy & Company

by illwind_caritas (vote_saxon)



Series: The New BtVS/Ats Seasons [1]
Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 07:02:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3641130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vote_saxon/pseuds/illwind_caritas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy is a washed up slayer with a house full of Potentials when she randomly kills Spike, leaving a grieving Andrew behind. She reunites with Angel, only to discover he has a son named Connor. Cordelia falls in and out of comas, and absolute madness overtakes the household.<br/>--<br/>Set around the time of BTVS season 7, and Angel season 5 (this ensures maximum living characters)<br/>--<br/>Written in script format, where everything is simply ridiculous, and overly literal, as a result of everyone going psychotic after facing the plural of apocalypse! <br/>-<br/>Just for fun! Written April 2007</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Breakfast Cereal Commercial

** Season 1-Episode 1 **

** Breakfast Cereal Commercial **

****

Cast:

Buffy

Xander

Spike

Andrew

Giles

 

[In the Summers’ Kitchen]

 

Buffy: Hi, I’m Buffy. Welcome to my home. [Talking to self and grinning]

I have had serious relationships with 2 vampires and one soldier that worked for a psychotic initiative for demon study.

People who live here include Xander, the one-eyed wonder who attracts demons. Willow the lesbian witch who almost destroyed the world, Andrew, the “in the closet” super villain wannabe, Spike, the centuries old borderline schizophrenic, Dawn, my sorta sister who used to be a key. Anya, Cyclop’s ex, whom he left at the altar. Giles, an old guy that we all like to read with, and a bunch of whiney girls who are supposed to one day inherit my job.

 

Oh look, here comes my one-eyed friend, Xander, now.

 

[Enter Xander]

 

Xander: Hey Buffy. Who are you talking to?

 

Buffy: Myself. The girls left during one of my 5 hour, meaningless “inspirational” speeches.

 

Xander: Right… Uh, Buffy, I’m gonna go. My new girlfriend is waiting for me.

 

Buffy: Oh yeah, what was her name again?

 

Xander: GoPatra. She’s the Queen of an ancient demon tribe. I think its love!

 

Buffy: [To herself] Well that’s going to end well… [To Xander] Okay Xan-Man, see you later.

 

[Exit Xander]

 

[Now alone, Buffy picks up a box of cereal.]

 

Buffy: Frosted Flakes, part of a balanced breakfast. They’re Grreeaat!

 

[Enter Spike]

 

Spike: What are you doing?

 

[Buffy grabs the kitchen blinds and pulls them open.]

 

[Spike goes up in flames.]

 

Buffy: [Calmly] Ha ha.

 

[Buffy eats a spoonful of cereal.]

 

[Enter Andrew]

 

Andrew: My God! Spike!

 

[Andrew falls to the floor in tears.]

 

Buffy: What was Spike to you?

 

Andrew: [Through tears] Everything!

 

Buffy: He was straight. He liked women.

 

Andrew: He was?! That’s not what he said last night…

 

[Enter Giles]

 

Giles: What who said last night?

 

Buffy: Spike.

 

Giles: Where is Spike? Andrew, why are you crying?

 

Andrew: Spike is dead!

 

Giles: But…why are you crying?

 

[Andrew cries louder.]

 

Giles: How did he die?

 

Andrew: Buffy killed him!

 

Giles: Buffy? Why?

 

Buffy: I was bored.

 

Giles: Oh, okay.

 

Andrew: Okay? Okay!? [Outraged]

 

[Picks up a knife off the counter and cuts out his heart.]

 

[Giles & Buffy sit at the table and eat Frosted Flakes]

 

Buffy: They’re Grreeeat!

 

**-End-**

**Next episode: The Angel & Buffy Reunion**

 

 


	2. I almost forgot to brood!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel and Buffy reunite in a graveyard where she learns about his son, and he finds out what happened to Spike.

** Season 1-Episode 2 **

** I almost forgot to brood! **

****

Cast:

Buffy

Angel

Connor

Andrew

 

[In a graveyard]

 

[Buffy is sitting with a stake at the ready.]

 

[Enter Angel]

 

Angel: Hi Buffy.

 

Buffy: You sound so cheerful.

 

Angel: Just practicing for a new show I’m doing. [Pause] I heard Spike died.

 

Buffy: Yeah…let’s have sex.

 

Angel: We can’t! I’ll be evil!

 

Buffy: It’s a small sacrifice for my urges.

 

[Enter Connor]

 

Connor: Ew.

 

Buffy: Who are you?

 

Connor: I like older women.

 

Buffy: Good enough for me.

 

Angel: Ew.

 

Buffy: Threesome!

 

Angel: Never!

 

Connor: You’re hot, but he’s my…

 

Angel: We have to go now, good to see you, bye! [Rushed]

 

[Buffy grabs Connor’s shoulder.]

 

Connor: Can we stay, Dad?

 

Buffy: Dad?! Who’s the mother?

 

Connor: Darla.

 

[Angel attempts to hide behind a gravestone.]

 

Buffy: Get back here! [Hits him] You can sleep with Darla, but you can’t sleep with me? Bloody favouritism!

 

Angel: No habla anglais.

 

Buffy: Oh shove it.

 

Angel: Buffy, you have to understand…

 

Connor: This is THE Buffy? Oh, Dad, we can’t leave, you didn’t ‘put it to her’ like you said!

 

Buffy: [eyes widening] Really now. How about a deal? I keep the boy for personal reasons; you go back to L.A and tell everyone he got kidnapped. [To Connor] Take off your shirt!

 

[Enter Andrew]

 

Andrew: Angel-Run! She’s gone crazy! She killed Spike! [in tears]

 

Angel: You killed Spike! [Full of joy] Oh, I love you Buffy!

 

Buffy: As if. I don’t want you anymore. I like Connor. He’s MUCH younger, and doesn’t brood.

 

[Connor smiles and begins to unbutton his shirt.]

 

Angel: Aw shucks. I wish I could at least sleep with Cordelia when I get home.

 

Andrew: Is she still even alive?

 

Angel: She is. She's in a coma. Super annoying. 

 

[Exit Angel]

 

Andrew: Well, that was weird.

 

[Andrew falls into an open grave.]

 

[Connor & Buffy left alone.]

 

Buffy: Quick, strip, I’m getting antsy.

 

[Connor winks, and jumps Buffy, relieving all her sexual tension.]

 

**-End-**

**Next episode: The Potentials and Andrew want a piece of Connor the Sex God.**

 


	3. Sexy Party!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy takes Connor home and he shortly becomes very popular.

** Season 1-Episode 3 **

** Sexy Party! **

****

Cast:

Buffy

Connor

Andrew

Potential 1, 2 & 3

 

[In the Summers’ Living room.]

 

[Connor & Buffy are sitting on the couch.]

 

Buffy: You’re my personal pet now. [Pets Connor.]

 

Connor: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

 

[Enter Potential 1, 2 & 3]

 

Connor: Hello ladies.

 

Potential 1: Yes, hello. Me-ow!

 

Buffy: [possessively] Shoo harlot, he’s mine.

 

[Potential 2 sits beside Connor.]

 

Buffy: [Slaps Potential 2] Hands off! He’s MY boy toy!

 

Potential 1: That’s not fair! You killed Spike, now none of us can have any fun!

 

Buffy: Were you ALL sleeping with Spike?

 

[All girls hang their heads.]

 

Potential 3: Umm…No?

 

Buffy: Huh. Well, no mater. I have Connor now.

 

Potential 2: What about Angel?

 

Buffy: Oh, I sent him back to L.A.

 

All Potentials: Aww! [Scornfully]

 

Connor: Now girls, let’s be fair. There is plenty of me to go around.

 

[Enter Andrew]

 

Andrew: Really now?

 

Connor: Uh…yeah…for you too Andrew.

 

Andrew: Yippee! I mean…uh, cool. [Leans up against bookcase. Bookcase falls on a Potential 1.]

 

Buffy: Oh well. We’ll get Giles to clean that up later.

 

Potential 3: [whispers to Connor] Hey, come with me…

 

[Connor stands up and follows Potential 3 up the stairs.]

 

Buffy: Hey! Connor, where are you-

 

[Potential 2 knocks Buffy out.]

 

[Andrew & Potential 2 chase Connor and Potential 3 up the stairs]

 

Andrew: Sexy Party!

 

[Andrew slams the bedroom door behind them.]

 

**-End-**

 

**Next episode: Cordelia and Angel return to Sunnydale to rescue Connor.**


	4. Conversations With People In Comas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angelus and Cordelia find Connor in Sunnydale. Buffy and Cordelia realize one cannot be awake while the other is, and the cycle of comas begins!

** Season 1-Episode 4 **

** Conversations with people in comas. **

****

Cast:

Buffy

Connor

Andrew

Angelus

Cordelia

Angie Hart

Potential 2 & 3

 

[In a night club.]

 

Angie Hart: [singing] Night falls, I fall, and where were you, where were you? Warm skin, wolf grin, and where were you? I fell into the moon and it covered you in bl-

 

[Axe hits singer in the head.]

 

Angelus: I never was much for ballads.

 

Cordelia: That wasn’t a ballad. That was cryptic.

 

Angelus: Shut up.

 

Cordelia: I thought you said Connor was here?

 

Angelus: What? No I didn’t. I said Connor is in Sunnydale, but we should go to a club and kill something.

 

Cordelia: Oh. What a weird misunderstanding. Can we go find him now?

 

Angelus: Yeah, whatever.

 

[Cut to: Second floor of the Summers’ house.]

 

Connor: Ladies, please, let me out, nature calls. And Andrew, please remove yourself. We talked about this last night, not all of you at once!

 

[Naked Connor gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom.]

 

[Downstairs, Buffy is slowly regaining consciousness.]

 

Potential 3: [Calling] Connor Hurry! Andrew is doing that thing with his legs again!

 

[Buffy runs up the stairs.]

 

[Connor opens bathroom door to find an angered Buffy.]

 

Connor: Oh shit.

 

[Still naked, Connor attempts to run from Buffy.]

 

[Buffy grabs his crotch, and pulls.]

 

Connor: Gahh! Mercy, mercy!

 

[Buffy continued to pull, causing them both to fall over and tumble down the stairs.]

 

[Buffy seems knocked out again. The front door then opens.]

 

[Enter Cordelia]

 

Cordelia: I found him.

 

[Enter Angelus]

 

Angelus: And naked.

 

[All potentials & Andrew, also naked, appear at the top of the stairs.]

 

Angelus: Oh goody, a party.

 

Andrew: A sexy party.

 

Potential 2: That was last night.

 

Cordelia: With Connor?!

 

Connor: Si senorita.

 

Cordelia: Bitch! [Slaps the comatose Buffy.]

 

Andrew: Hey! Weren’t you in a coma?

 

Cordelia: Well, I switched places with Buffy, apparently.

 

[Walks into the house, stepping all over Buffy.]

 

Angelus: May I come in?

 

Cordelia: No. Bad dog. Stay outside. [Pause] Connor, come here my love.

 

Connor: I fear Buffy’s wrath. I mustn’t.

 

[There are still naked people looking down on them from upstairs.]

 

Angelus: She’s in a coma. Give it a rest Romeo.

 

Cordelia: Connor, why did you leave me, I love you!

 

Angelus: _What!_   I slept with you when you woke up-you told me you loved me! I lost my soul for you, and now you love **HIM?!**

 

Potentials: We love you Connor!

 

Cordelia: You slept with all of them?!

 

Connor: Yes. Last night. [Pause] And Andrew.

 

[Andrew grins and waves.]

 

[Cordelia faints and slips into another coma.]

 

[Buffy wakes up.]

 

Buffy: Okay, who do I have to kill around here to stay conscious for 5 bloody minutes?

 

[Everyone points at Angelus.]

 

[Angelus runs away.]

 

 

 

**-End-**

 

**Next Episode: Anya buys groceries, Giles goes to the library…BUT we jump to Los Angeles!**


	5. Back To Life?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wesley explains the events of the last few days Jonathan and Warren. Their plan of action? Vengeance! Thanks Anya!

** Season 1-Episode 5 **

** Back to Life? **

****

Cast:

Anya

Giles

Angelus

Lorne

Warren

Wesley

Jonathan

Spike

 

[Location: Summers’ Living Room]

 

[Anya & Giles are standing in the middle of the room.]

 

Anya: I’m going to buy groceries today.

 

Giles: I am going to the library.

 

[Meanwhile, in L.A]

 

[Location: Caritas]

 

[Lorne & Angelus are having tea.]

 

Lorne: I hear you Angel-Cakes.

 

Angelus: My name is Angelus!

 

Lorne: Angel-us-Cakes?

 

Angelus: Better. [Pause] Anyways, I can’t believe Connor stayed there! It’s so hard to be evil when the one person I want to kill is sleeping with my spawn! Who, what a let down, ISN’T evil!

 

Lorne: What about Cordy?

 

Angelus: She was sleeping with him too.

 

Lorne: Ouch.

 

[In the background, a demon sings “My Heart Will Go On”]

 

Angelus: I can’t take this crap. I have to go rip some things throat out.

 

Lorne: Have fun.

 

[Location: Hyperion Hotel]

 

[Warren Mears & Jonathan Levinson sit with Wesley.]

 

Warren: Spike slept with Andrew.

 

Jonathan: Concurrently.

 

Wesley: Concurrently?

 

Warren: Concurrently.

 

Jonathan: So, we need Angel to kill Spike.

 

Wesley: Well, in that case, there are 2 things you need to know. [Pause] One, Angel recently became Angelus after having sex with Cordelia, and two, Spike is dead already. Buffy killed him.

 

Warren: [Sadly] Well! That takes all the fun out of vengeance.

 

[Enter Anya]

 

Anya: [With grocery bags in hand] Somebody say vengeance?

 

[Warren grins.]

 

Warren: Anya! Wonderful timing!

 

Jonathan: Yeah! Uh…why is that?

 

Warren: Because she’s a vengeance demon you dolt!

 

Jonathan: So?

 

Warren: And I have a plan.

 

Jonathan: Oh Warren, you’re so smart and adaptable! [Excitedly]

 

[Wesley awkwardly shifts in his seat.]

 

Anya: What can I do for you boys?

 

Warren: Among other things, we need to strike out revenge, but we need Angel’s help…

 

Jonathan: [interrupting, clueless] _Other_ things?

 

Warren: [Continues, ignoring Jonathan] Bring back Angels’ soul!

 

Anya: How is that vengeful?

 

Jonathan: Then you bring Spike back, and Angel will kill him for us!

 

Warren: Exactly.

 

Anya: Sounds kind of futile, but hey-as you wish!

 

[Cut to: Back alley where Angelus is feeding.]

 

[Angelus falls over.]

 

Angelus: No!

 

[Becomes Angel.]

 

[Enter Spike]

 

Spike: What the bugger?

 

**-End-**

 

**Next episode: Will Angel kill Spike?**

**Will Spike kill Angel?**

**Will Spike kill Buffy?**

**Is Warren gay or straight?**

**All this and more on the next episode!**


	6. Vampires With Souls? Old News...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilah brings back a special someone from the dead just to spite Eve! Also Spike and Angel catch up over tea at Caritas.

** Season 1-Episode 6 **

** Vampires with Souls, Old News. **

****

Cast:

Lindsay

Lilah

Eve

Darla

Angel

Spike

Bartender

 

[Location: Wolfram & Hart]

 

Lindsay: I’m bored. We don’t do anything evil anymore.

 

Lilah: We can resurrect Darla again?

 

?: No! [From under a table]

 

Lilah: What was that?

 

Lindsay: Oh, um. No one-nothing!

 

[Lilah looks under the table.]

 

Lilah: Eve?!

 

Eve: [Looking guilty] What? [Pause] Don’t bring Darla back!

 

Lilah: Why not?

 

Eve: Because…Lindsay likes her.

 

Lilah: Oh, choices. Should I bring her back soulless or human?

 

Lindsay: Darla… [Whimsically]

 

[Lilah grins devilishly]

 

[Eve slaps Lindsay]

 

[Lilah leaves the room to try and bring Darla back again.]

[5 Minutes Later]

 

[Enter Darla]

 

Darla: Lindsay! [Flings herself at him.]

 

[Eve jumps in between them.]

 

Eve: Uh-uh harlot!

 

Darla: No, not anymore. I have a soul now.

 

Eve: Another vampire with a soul! This is just getting pathetic and unoriginal.

 

Lindsay: Play nice girls. Besides, I think souls are sexy.

 

Eve: Hey! I have a soul! [Pleadingly]

 

Lindsay: Lilah, Darla and I need time to catch up. Would you mind showing Eve the street, I mean the door? I mean, just make her go away. I mean…

 

[He pushes Eve out of the room himself, and proceeds to mount Darla on his desk.]

 

[Lilah covers her eyes and tries to leave, walks into a wall, opens her eyes and leaves properly.]

 

[Cut to: Spike & Angel in an alley.]

 

Spike: Didn’t I get dusted?

 

Angel: That’s what I was told.

 

Spike: That bitch burned me up!

 

Angel: That bitch slept with my son!

 

Spike: Let’s kill her.

 

Angel: Good plan.

 

Spike: You have a son?

 

Angel: Long story.

 

Spike: Shall we discuss it over tea?

 

Angel: We shall.

 

[They enter the demon bar Caritas.]

 

Bartender: What’ll it be gents?

 

Spike: Two teas please.

 

Bartender: How manly of you. As you wish.

 

[The boys nod and take a seat at the bar.]

 

[Bartender gives them their drinks.]

 

[Cut to: Lindsay & Darla at Wolfram & Hart.]

 

Darla: I missed that Lindsay.

 

Lindsay: That?

 

Darla: That thing you do with your tongue.

 

Lindsay: Oh. You didn’t miss ME?

 

Darla: Oh, well, you know… [Pause] So, any word from my estranged son Connor?

 

Lindsay: He has a thing for older women.

 

Darla: Huh. He certainly didn’t get that from his father. Angel prefers younger blood.

 

Lindsay: Connor has had sexual relations with Buffy, Cordelia, and various potential vampire slayers, as well as a confused boy named Andrew. And that’s just this past week.

 

Darla: What a little Casanova.

 

Lindsay: He was sleeping with Cordelia right under Angel’s nose, here in L.A.

 

Darla: That’s my boy.

 

Lindsay: Concurrently.

 

Darla: Concurrently?

 

Lindsay: Concurrently.

 

Darla: Hmm, good to know. Is he still in Sunnydale now?

 

Lindsay: As far as my sources know. [Pause] And Spike died, but he’s back. Angelus came back, but Angel’s back now. Actually, Spike & Angel are teaming up to kill Buffy-interested?

 

Darla: Very.

 

Lindsay: They are at Caritas as we speak. Off you go.

 

Darla: See you later, lover.

 

[Cut back to Spike & Angel at Caritas.]

 

Angel: And then I turned back to Angel.

 

Spike: Comatose Cordy. It must have been so quiet. Sorry I missed that.

 

Angel: Oh, don’t worry. The history she’s got, she’ll be in a coma again in no time.

 

[Enter Darla]

 

Spike: Hey, isn’t that bird dead?

 

Angel: Drusilla’s bird that died because she didn’t feed it?

 

[Spike smacks Angel across the head.]

 

Spike: No you nancy ponce, that blonde girl. She staked herself. I read about it in ‘Vampires with Soul’s Monthly’.

 

[Darla walks up to them.]

 

Angel: Darla, you’re alive!

 

Darla: Don’t act so shocked. Wolfram & Hart brought me back again.

 

Spike: Soul?

 

Darla: Soul.

 

Angel: Typical.

 

Darla: I heard you want to kill our little slayer?

 

Spike: Indeed.

 

Darla: I’m in. [Pause] But I want to see Connor first! [Giggles.]

**-End-**

 

**Next episode:**

**Darla and Connor are reunited!**

**Is Warren and Jonathan’s plan ruined?**


	7. Watcher's Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Watchers enjoy a casual typically British afternoon tea while Buffy sends Connor back home to Los Angeles.

** Season 1-Episode 7 **

** Watchers’ Party **

****

Cast:

Giles

Wesley

Spike

Darla

Angel

Connor

Buffy

Andrew

Warren

Jonathan

 

[Location: Stuffy high class pub.]

 

Giles: Afternoon fellow Watcher! [Takes a sip of tea, while holding a scone.]

 

Wesley: Afternoon Giles!

 

Giles: How’s your slayer?

 

Wesley: Oh, she went rogue, she was evil, now she eats Jelly Doughnuts.

 

Giles: Last I hear she sent herself to prison.

 

Wesley: Oh yes.

 

Giles: Would that be before or after doughnuts?

 

Wesley: After.

 

Giles: Ah. I much prefer scones myself.

 

Wesley: Oh yes, myself as well.

 

Giles: Jolly good.

 

Wesley: How is Buffy?

 

Giles: Borderline as usual.

 

Wesley: Fantastic. Good to know everything is normal.

 

Giles: What a pair our slayers make.

 

Wesley: Oh yes. [Pause] Of course, they aren’t technically ours anymore.

 

Giles: Just a technicality.

 

Wesley: Quite.

 

Giles: How is Angel?

 

Wesley: Renegade. He had a stint as Angelus. Now he’s reunited with Spike & Darla.

 

Giles: That can’t end well.

 

Wesley: Oh, well, who knows?

 

Giles: A toast!

 

Wesley: Quite! To what?

 

Giles: To our slayers and their pursuers!

 

Wesley: Aye to that.

 

[Cut to Spike, Angel & Darla at the Hyperion Hotel]

 

Spike: Tonight we go to Sunnydale!

 

Darla: Duh, Captain Obvious. You’ve been saying that over and over for 3 hours! We know!

 

Angel: Let him continue, I like his voice.

 

Darla: And his bloody awful poetry.

 

Spike: Yeah, well, he likes Barry Manilow.

 

Angel: Are you repeating a used quote?

 

Darla: I think he is!

 

Angel: Pansy!

 

Spike: Sod off. [Pause] Let’s just go kill Buffy. I have needs too you know. I didn’t make it in time for comatose Cordy, but I WILL be present for dead Buffy.

 

Angel: Right-o.

 

[Cut to Connor & Buffy in the Summers’ Kitchen]

 

Connor: Frosted Flakes are good. [Pours a bowl]

 

Buffy: Yeah…we’ve established that. [Pause] Maybe you should go back to L.A. You’re sidetracking the girls…and Andrew.

 

[The crowd of girls and Andrew smile from the side of the room, where they are peaking behind a wall at Connor.]

 

Connor: Maybe you’re right.

 

Buffy: Of course I’m right! I’m Buffy!

 

Connor: Superiority complex much?

 

[Girls & Andrew giggle.]

 

Connor: Okay, but what about Cordy?

 

Buffy: Oh just leave her here. I'll try not to step on her while she's sleeping.

 

Connor: Alright, I’ll leave tonight.

 

[That night…]

 

Connor: Bye everyone! Take good care of Cordy for me!

 

[Mosh of Potentials at door grin.]

 

Andrew: We will. [Closes door.]

 

[Connor walks away, and then a duffel bag appeared over his head!]

 

Warren: Now we have their Golden Boy!

 

Jonathan: Muhahaha!

 

**-End-**

 

**Next episode: Connor is kidnapped and Buffy is assassinated?!**


	8. Family Reunion & Happyland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy and Angel argue over who is the best person to help rescue Connor. Enter Faith, and also Drusilla for some reason.

** Season 1-Episode 8 **

** Family Reunion & Happyland **

****

Cast:

Angel

Spike

Darla

Andrew

Buffy

Drusilla

Wesley

Faith

Connor

Warren

Jonathan

Anya

 

[Location: Summers’ Lawn.]

 

[Angel, Spike & Darla standing out in front of the house.]

 

Angel: [Calling] Connor! Come out here now!

 

[The door opens and Andrew answers.]

 

Andrew: Shh! Can you be quiet? The Potentials are very tired after a long night with me. [Pauses] Hey…weren’t you evil last time I saw you? And you… [Turns to Spike] Weren’t you dead? [Gasps] **Spike-Alive!** [Jumps at Spike and grovels at his feet, kissing the tips of his shoes.] Oh mighty one-have you returned for me?

 

Spike: Not this time fruitcake. I’m here for Buffy.

 

Andrew: Oh. [Deflated]

 

Spike: To kill her.

 

Andrew: Oh! [Excited again.]

 

Angel: And to find Connor.

 

Andrew: Connor? He went home last night.

 

Angel: What? Wesley would have called me.

 

Darla: Oh, like you can suddenly use a cell phone?

 

Angel: Cordy taught me how.

 

Darla: Cordy! Oh, magnificent. [In a mocking tone] Oh Cordy, Oh Buffy, oh my aching heart!

 

[Angel & Spike roll their eyes.]

 

Angel & Spike: Women!

 

Andrew: Right. Well, I’ll go get Buffy.

 

[Enter Buffy.]

 

Buffy: Angel! Spike? Darla?!

 

[Enter Drusilla]

 

Buffy: Dru?

 

Spike: Drusilla!

 

Drusilla: Was I not invited to the party?

 

Angel: I don’t have time for this! My son is missing! I’m in no mood for episode cameos!

 

Darla: Reunions, lover.

 

Angel: Shove it.

 

Spike: Oh, here’s more good news.

 

[Enter Wesley]

 

Wesley: [Panting, out of breath] Angel! Angel!

 

Angel: Yeah, Wes?

 

Wesley: I have news!

 

Darla: We’ve established that.

 

Wesley: Well you see…

 

[Loud cracking noise is heard.]

Drusilla: Oops.

 

[Potential hits the floor.]

 

Drusilla: I snapped the poor dolly’s’ neck…I was getting bored.

 

Angel: Dru! Control yourself!

 

Buffy: Its okay, she was expendable.

 

Wesley: Quite right, well…

 

Angel: Get to the point Wes!

 

Wesley: I have word that your son has been kidnapped!

 

[All gasp.]

 

Angel: Figured as much.

 

Spike: Yeah.

 

Darla: So, what are we supposed to do?

 

Wesley: I know just who can help!

 

[Spoken at the same time.]

Buffy: Willow.

Wesley: Faith.

 

Angel: Huh.

 

Spike: Interesting.

 

Drusilla: Can I break one of them? My hands grow idle…

 

Darla: Shut up, Dru.

 

[Drusilla pouts.]

 

Drusilla: Spike…Come to Mummy?

 

Spike: Shush, pet.

 

[Drusilla whines loudly.]

 

Buffy: Willow should help save Connor.

 

Wesley: Now really Buffy, this isn’t a time for jealousy.

 

[Enter Faith.]

 

Faith: Yeah, B. That color doesn’t look good on you.

 

Spike: Jealousy red?

 

Faith: No, her shirt. Tasteless. Oh yeah, and the jealousy.

 

Angel: Faith, will you help me find my son?

 

Faith: Sure thing lover boy.

 

Darla: Ahem.

 

Faith: Oops, sorry. Didn’t see the missus. [Pause] Let’s get upside down and on our way to Happyland!

 

Angel: Maybe later, Faith.

 

Faith: How about it, Wes?

 

Wesley: We find Connor, and then we can go to Happyland.

 

Faith: Yay! I’m gunna order chicken nuggets with fries and a chocolate milkshake!

 

Spike: Make it two. Apparently it’s two for one Kids Meals at Happyland now.

 

Faith: Oh rad, come with.

 

Angel: Later.

 

Spike: Um, okay DAD. Later.

 

Angel: Listen, Connor could be getting tortured _somewhere_ -we have to find him-Now!

 

[Location: Somewhere]

 

Jonathan: Oh Connor, you are so amazing.

 

Connor: I know, right.

 

Warren: We should kidnap you more often.

 

Connor: Totally.

 

Jonathan: You are SO much cooler than Andrew…and Spike!

 

Warren: So much for vengeance.

 

[Enter Anya]

 

Anya: There’s that word again.

 

Connor: Let’s do something fun!

 

Anya: Like inflating balloon animals?

 

Connor: Nah! Let’s pull vengeance pranks!

 

**-End-**

 

 

**Next episode: Nudge Nudge, is your slayer a goer? An ode to Monty Python.**


	9. Nudge Nudge in Transylvanian Living Rooms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Giles and Wesley have another round of tea in an ode to a famous Monty Python sketch. Then Buffy's house is invaded by aliens from Transylvania....

** Season 1-Episode 9 **

** Nudge, Nudge, in Transylvanian Living rooms. **

****

Cast:

Giles

Wesley

Faith

Buffy

Angel

Hippolyta

Xander

Andrew

Spike

Frank N’ Furter

Transylvanians

 

[Location: Summers’ Front Lawn.]

 

Giles: Evening Wesley.

 

Wes: [Stiffly] Good evening.

 

Giles: Is…uh, is your slayer a goer, eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge, nudge, know what I mean, say no more?

 

Wes: I, uh, I beg your pardon?

 

Giles: Your, uh, slayer, does she go? Eh, does she go, eh?

 

Wes: I’m afraid I don’t quite follow you.

 

Giles: Is, your uh, is your slayer a sport, ay?

 

Wes: She likes sport, yes.

 

Giles: I bet she does, I bet she does!

 

Wes: As a matter of fact, she’s very fond of assault & battery.

 

Giles: Oh! Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Been around a bit, been around?

 

Wes: She has traveled, yes. She’s from South Boston.

 

Giles: SAY NO MORE!

 

Wes: I wasn’t going to…

 

[In the background, Buffy jumps Faith and sends her soaring into Angel, who vamps out.]

 

[Angel leaps at Buffy.]

 

Buffy: Wait, wait, if you kill me, you’ll never get Connor back!

 

[Fighting resumes as Giles & Wesley sit on the sidewalk to continue their discussion. Tea and scones await them, previously set up on the floor.]

 

Giles: Is your slayer interested in photography?

 

Wes: Photography?

 

Giles: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?

 

Wes: I’m afraid she doesn’t have a camera. I believe she dropped it in demon blood.

 

Giles: Oh. But still, mwohohoho! Ay, ay, ay?

 

Wes: Look, are you insinuating something?

 

Giles: [Quickly] Oh, no, no, no, no, no… [Pause] Yes.

 

Wes: Well?

 

Giles: You’re a man of the world Wesley…

 

Wes: Yes…

 

Giles: I mean, you’ve been around a bit, you know, like, you’ve, uh, you’ve “done it?”

 

Wes: What do you mean?

 

Giles: Well, I mean, you’ve helped your slayer to slay vampires…

 

Wes: Yes.

 

Giles: What’s it like?

 

[Fighting continues behind them.]

 

[Location: Speed dating at a night club.]

 

[Xander is trying his luck with new people.]

 

[A girl sits down at a table with Xander.]

 

Girl: Hi! [Overly excited]

 

Xander: Hi, what’s your name?

 

Girl: Hippolyta. Choose me, choose me, please!

 

Xander: Choose you?

 

Hippolyta: Yes. [Grins] Or off with your head! [Giggles]

 

Xander: Right.

 

[Cut to: Summers’ Kitchen]

 

[Dinner with Spike & Andrew.]

 

Andrew: I’m so glad that everyone left to look for Connor.

 

Spike: Everyone except Faith and Buffy. It’s been nothing but weird sounds through the floor all night. [Pause] I knew we’d be together again.

 

Andrew: [Wistful sigh]

 

[Loud music starts playing.]

 

Spike: What’s that racket disturbing my peaceful romantic evening?

 

[The both look up at the ceiling]

 

Andrew: It’s not coming from the girls, although the ceiling plaster falling into our soup would beg to differ.

 

[They walk into the living room.]

 

[Large banner that says “Annual Transylvanian Convention” hangs across the room.]

 

[About ten oddly dressed men and women sat all squished together around a large comfy chair. A large man/woman sat in the chair, and every time he opened his mouth music filled the house.]

 

Frank N’ Furter: [Singing] “I’m just a sweet transvestite…”

 

Transylvanians: [Singing] “Sweet Transvestite”

 

Frank N’ Furter: [Singing] “From Transsexual, Transylvania!”

 

Spike: Oh no, no, no, no, no! I saw this in a movie once! Get out of this house! Land your pods elsewhere, and make your men. You’re not going to seduce my Andrew, and blow up Buffy’s house, no, no! [Pause] Andrew, close your eyes.

 

Andrew: Sounds kinky...okay!

 

Transylvanians: Aw, okay. [Slowly trudge around gathering their things.]

 

[Frank N’ Furter approaches Spike.]

 

Frank N’ Furter: Party pooper. [Pause] You can call me anytime English Muffin. [Winks]

 

[Everyone boards their ship and leaves.]

 

Spike: [Turns to Andrew] Shall we get back to our evening?

 

Andrew: We shall.

 

**-End-**

**Next episode: Frank N Furter made a man…that looks exactly like Spike! And Connor is STILL missing!**


	10. Spikebot; What Dreams Are Made Of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A space ship lands in Buffy's living room. Frank presents Spike with Rocky2! (Because Rocky1 ended badly...)

** Season 1-Episode 10 **

** Spikebot; What dreams are made of. **

****

Cast:

Buffy

Angel

Wesley

Faith

Giles

Spike

Frank N’ Furter

Transylvanians

Andrew

Jonathan

Connor

Warren

Pyro

Playboy Bunny

 

[Location: Buffy’s Bedroom]

 

Buffy: This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life…

 

[Hallway in front of Buffy’s bedroom door, Angel & Wesley have their ears pressed against her door, eavesdropping and gasping at regular intervals.]

 

Angel: [Whispering] What is she talking about?

 

Wesley: Shh!

 

[Back in the bedroom]

 

Buffy: I don’t know what to do! Why did you have to make this so hard for me?

 

Angel: We have to help her!

 

Wesley: We don’t even know what’s going on! They could just be…

 

[Wesley is interrupted by Angel swinging open the door and barging in.]

 

Wesley: -playing chess.

 

[They are greeted by Buffy & Faith sitting on opposite sides of a chess board.]

 

Faith: Checkmate, lover.

 

[Angel’s jaw drops and Wes laughs.]

 

[Theme music plays.]

 

Giles: Last time on Buffy, odd Transylvanian people appeared in Buffy’s living room and admired Spike…

 

[Coughs are heard. Giles ignores them and continues.]

 

Giles: Spike & Andrew…

 

Spike: [Interrupting Giles] You are an annoying bloke you know? Was there a course at the Watcher Academy for being dull? Blah blah blitty blah; shut up and have a scone.

 

Giles: I’ll have you know, I didn’t take Dull Class during my Watcher school days. I took Lobster Quiche for beginners, and Romancing School Teachers. Wesley took Dull, I believe.

 

Spike: Good to know? [Confused]

 

[Cut to: Space ship shaped like a house, hovering over Buffy’s house.]

 

Frank N’ Furter: [Singing] “I’ve been making a man, with blonde hair and no tan…”

 

[Transylvanians cheer.]

 

Frank N’ Furter: Let’s go see Daddy!

 

[Back in the living room with Spike & Giles.]

 

Giles: You have to boil it for EXACTLY 1 hour, and THEN add garlic and mayonnaise…

 

[Giles is interrupted by a loud crash.]

 

Giles: Was that the girls again?

 

[They hear Faith & Buffy screaming.]

 

Spike: No, THAT was the girls. The loud crash was…

 

[House-shaped ship lands in the living room.]

 

Giles: A ship breaking through the roof.

 

Spike: Why can’t they orb or teleport like normal people?

 

Giles: Huh. Normal.

 

[Faith & Buffy join them in the living room.]

 

[Frank N’ Furter exits the ship.]

 

Frank N’ Furter: Spikey!

 

[Spike grimaces and attempts to cower behind Giles, but Frank manages to hug him anyways.]

 

Frank N’ Furter: I want to show you my present to me!

 

Spike: Great. [In a weak, girly voice.]

 

[Spike clone walks out of the ship, wearing spandex underwear and nothing else.]

 

[Andrew peaks his head out from around the corner.]

 

Andrew: Oooh a Spikebot! What a new and profound idea!

 

Spike: Can it, Drew.

 

Andrew: Yes Master.

 

[Andrew goes back behind the wall.]

 

Frank: I call him Rocky2.

 

Spike: Rocky2?

 

Frank: Rocky1 ended badly.

 

[Andrew peaks his head out again.]

 

Andrew: Why not call him Spike?

 

Frank N’ Furter: Good call.

 

Spike: Andrew…. [Temper growing.]

 

Andrew: Gone!

[Andrew leaves again.]

 

Giles: Uh, sir, maybe you could take your Spike, and uh, go?

 

Faith: Uh uh. I wanna keep him. Two are better than one.

 

Frank: Excuse me?

 

[Faith karate chops Frank.]

 

[Faith grabs both Spikes and Andrew from behind the wall.]

 

Andrew: Yay!

 

[They all run up the stairs.]

 

[Giles and Buffy are left in the living room with unconscious Frank & the ship.]

 

Giles: Okay then.

 

Buffy: Bored now.

 

[Buffy drags Frank back into the ship. Ship disappears with Buffy inside.]

 

Giles: Oh well.

 

[Enter Angel & Darla]

 

Angel: Where’s everyone?

 

Giles: Oh…around.

 

Angel: Great. We think we found Connor.

 

Giles: Where?

 

Angel: Playboy Convention.

 

Giles: Good guess.

 

[Cut to: X-Men Convention.]

 

[Connor, Jonathan, & Warren are meeting Pyro & getting autographs.]

 

All 3 boys: Shibby!

 

Jonathan: This is so much cooler than Playboy!

 

[Connor & Warren look at him accusingly.]

 

Jonathan: In a totally heterosexual way…

 

[All boys laugh.]

 

[They stalk Storm around the convention.]

 

[Cut to: Playboy Convention.]

 

Playboy Bunny: Oh you poor baby! So you think your son might be here?

 

Angel: Maybe you could help me find him?

 

Bunny: But of course! Where should we check first?

 

Angel: The bathroom. Definitely the bathroom.

 

**-End of season 1-**

 

**Next Season: With Buffy on a spaceship and far away, the search for Connor continues!**

**Faith finally gets a trip to Happyland, and Warren has something special planned for Wolfram & Hart!**

 


End file.
